My goals as a parent are to build strong relationships with my children by nurturing them with love, respect, guidance, boundaries and without too much interference. I want to be close and trusted enough that they will feel comfortable coming to me with their problems and will want to spend time with me when they’re older.
Growing up, my sisters and I were a feisty handful. We questioned everything and rebelled each in our own ways. Although we were a tight-knit family, there was a lot of yelling going on in that house. Guilt, authority and punishment were frequently used to discipline and control us. We didn’t feel comfortable or safe coming to our parents with our problems. I knew our parents loved us and did the best with what they knew, but told myself I would be a different kind of parent.
In hindsight, the first three years of Judah’s life didn’t seem very challenging in the way of parenting. I proactively read books about various parenting philosophies each rooted in a positive and gentle approach, practiced mindfulness and attended Holistic Moms Network meetings. Everyone warned us about the “terrible two’s,” but they never came (I never cared for that term anyway) and when I got pregnant with Benjamin, we were told that three years apart was ideal spacing. I thought I was good to go!
So when Benjamin was born a month after Judah turned three, I was blindsided. Aside from fluctuating hormones and lack of sleep, I really struggled with the transition from one to two kids. I found myself having to shift my energy to two children, each at different stages, with different needs. Judah was very loving to Benjamin, but he was also acclimating to his new role as an older brother. My sweet and sensitive boy was becoming strong-willed and could be downright tenacious and overbearing.
Putting philosophy into practice became increasingly difficult. I lost my cool several times and started raising my voice and getting snappy. I found myself laying in bed at night telling myself, “tomorrow is a new day.” But night after night, I felt guilty for the pain I was causing my son. His hurt body language, his eyes welling up with tears and the behaviors that were subtly starting to mirror back at me. This was the antithesis of the parent I thought I was – and wanted to be.
On the outside, I seemed perfectly put together, but was falling apart. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t make a simple decision. I started having panic attacks. I had always considered myself a strong and positive person who was able to multi-task and persevere through the many challenges that life has thrown at me, but this really tested my mettle and I started to question my ability to parent.
During these early years of motherhood I’ve learned that society expects perfection but it isn’t attainable because it doesn’t exist – no matter how much we want to portray ourselves as perfect parents. I recently read an article by Starr Meneely that talks about mothering in “real life.” She writes, “Maybe it has become too easy to paint the version of ourselves that we want to be, and then publish it on the Internet. We are constantly surrounded by images of such perfect parenting that it is easy to feel like we are failing in uniquely individual ways. The truths of our mothering journeys are often difficult to find; hidden away in the fine balance between the beautiful things we photograph and our lives behind the lens.”
The truth is, we are only human and and are bound to make mistakes. Although we want to break the pattern, we repeat the mistakes and wounds of our own parents, grandparents, and so forth. What really matters is how we heal from those wounds, making changes as we learn, and grow from those mistakes. In “Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected,” Susan Stiffelman writes, “That is what parenting does; it invites us to stretch beyond ourselves, move through resistance, and tap into inner resources we didn’t know we possessed.”
Instead of consuming myself with guilt, I’m learning to be more gentle with myself. When I feel frustrated, upset, stressed – all normal and healthy parts of living, I take deep breaths and talk about my emotions. When I make a mistake, I allow myself to feel remorse and make an effort to heal any hurt I have caused. Most importantly, I let it go. If I can do this, my children will learn how to do the same.